Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

• You have two cows.
  
• Your neighbor has none.
  
• You feel guilty for being successful.
  
• You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
  

REPUBLICAN

• You have two cows.
  
• Your neighbor has none.
  
• So?
  

SOCIALIST

• You have two cows.
  
• The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
  
• You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
  

COMMUNIST

• You have two cows.
  
• The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
  
• You wait in line for hours to get it.
  
• It is expensive and sour.
  

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

• You have two cows.
  
• You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
  

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

• You have two cows.
  
• Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
  

AMERICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
  
• You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
  
• You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
  
• You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
  
• Your stock goes up.
  

FRENCH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You go on strike because you want three cows.
  
• You go to lunch and drink wine.
  
• Life is good.
  

JAPANESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
  
• They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
  
• Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
  

GERMAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
  
• Unfortunately they also demand 23 weeks of vacation per year.
  

ITALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
  
• You break for lunch.
  
• Life is good.
  

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You have some vodka.
  
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
  
• You have some more vodka.
  
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
  
• The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
  

TALIBAN CORPORATION

• You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
  
• You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
  
• You get a $40 million grant from the U. S.  government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
  

IRAQI CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• They go into hiding.
  
• They send radio tapes of their mooing.
  

POLISH CORPORATION

• You have two bulls.
  
• Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
  

BELGIAN CORPORATION

• You have one cow.
  
• The cow is schizophrenic.
  
• Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
  
• The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
  
• The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
  
• The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
  
• The cow dies happy.
  

FLORIDA CORPORATION

• You have a black cow and a brown cow.
  
• Everyone votes for the best looking one.
  
• Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
  
• Some people vote for both.
  
• Some people vote for neither.
  
• Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
  
• Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
  

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

• You have millions of cows.
  
• They make real California cheese.
  
• Only five speak English.
  
• Most are illegal.