Job Interview

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa

 

JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

 

RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

 

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

 

WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

 

BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Letters...

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair  and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.  You came  home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

-- Your EX-wife

P.S.  If you're trying to find me, don't.  Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!

* = * = * = * = *

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. 

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.  Too bad that doesn't work.  I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. 

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it.  I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. 

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.  So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess.  I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.  So take care.

-- Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S.  I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Southern Commandments

Some folks have trouble understandin' in Tennessean 'lingo,' so they got together and translated the 10 Commandments into 'Jackson County lingo.'

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

First Time Sex

A girl asked her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this was such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy was ecstatic, but he had never had sex before, so he took a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He told the pharmacist it was his first time and the pharmacist helped the boy for about an hour. He told the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asked the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insisted on the family pack because he thought he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy showed up at the girl's parents' house and met his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy went inside and was taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents were seated. The boy quickly offered to say grace and bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispered to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turned, and whispered back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words ' liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."  "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"  "Um. I HATE liver and cheese ," blurts the Golden Retriever.  "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, " Liver alone. Cheese mine."