Johnny Carson Egg Trick

They just don't entertain like they used to!

Accident, Loss and Tragedy

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy.

So the President asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.. No other children volunteered.

Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

6 truths about life...

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Swine Flu... Over reaction..

Jeff Goldblum is Dead :(

Don't Recognize Me?

It is important to note the following:

1. Catholics do not recognize Protestants as a valid Christian religious movement.
2. Protestants do not recognize Mormons as a valid Christian religious movement.
3. Mormons do not recognize each other at the store on Sunday.

Funniest Banner Ad Ever!

Nine Months Later....

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob, so they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Plymptoons: 25 ways to quit smoking.

Kids' answer questions on love....

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, age 10)

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (Kristen, age 10)

2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. (Camille, age 10)

3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. (Derrick, age 8)

4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. (Lori, age 8)

5 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Martin, age 10)

6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. (Pam, age 7)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. (Curt, age 7)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. (Howard, age 8)

7.   IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. (Anita, age 9)

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? (Kelvin, age 8)

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. (Ricky, age 10)

Cat vs. Printer

Mr. Fancy Pants

---

Mr. Fancy Pants by Jonathan Coulton:

Chances are your pants are not as fancy as the pair
Of very fancy pants that Mr. Fancy Pants will wear
When everybody’s marching in the fancy pants parade
He’s gonna pass the test
He’s gonna be the best
The best in terms of pants

You look in every catalog you shop at every store
Cause even though you have a hundred pants you want some more
When suddenly you see the greatest pants you’ve ever seen
And even though you know
It’s gonna cost a lot of dough
You have to have the world’s best pants

Say a little prayer for Mr. Fancy Pants
The whole world knows
They’re only clothes
And deep inside
He’s sad

They make the big announcement and the trophy goes to you
You thought you had some fancy pants and now you know it’s true
You look at Mr. Fancy Pants and hold the trophy high
Everybody cheers
While he’s blinking back the tears
He doesn’t even have the best pants

Say a little prayer for Mr. Fancy Pants
It’s all he had
But don’t feel bad
He’d do the same
To you

BBQ: Rules of Engagement

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

The Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.
   
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
   
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
   
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
   
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.
   
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman
   
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
   
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
   
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
    
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
    

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN KERRY: As I said the first time I was asked, I voted to let the chicken cross the road. It is the right of all chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C \

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

CINDY SHEEHAN: It was our president who forced the chickens to cross the road, It's dictators like him that force our little chickens into situations they would not put themselves in.

JOHN MCCAIN: I was in a fox hole with the chicken for 5 months without food or water and know his intentions personally. He shared with me that it was his life long dream to cross that road.

JERRY SEINFELD: What do we care why the chicken crossed the road? Let the chicken cross the damn road. I mean, if I wanted to cross the road, no one would ask why I was doing it. They wouldn't yell across the road, "Jerry, Why'd you cross the road?" No, so let's just let the chickens cross the road in peace.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH: Read my lips: No more chickens crossing the road.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chick ens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

GM vs Microsoft.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving  $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
    

Deep Thought for the Day...

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Gone for 6 days

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the  archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God,  "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and  proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've  made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is  it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of  balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God  explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of  black people. Balance in all things,"  

God continued pointing to  different countries. "This one will be extremely hot,  while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel,  impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that  one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place  on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,  lakes, forests, hills, plains and valleys. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder  and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there  would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see  the idiots I put there."

Puns for Educated Minds.

Warning, these are guaranteed to make you groan. -TMC

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
 

25. Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot all over India bring a message of independence from the British using non-violent means. As a result of this he developed very large callouses. He was also a very thin man and very spiritual. When he did eat, he preferred just a little curd or yogurt. Because of this diet he developed very bad breath. So you can conclude that Mahatma Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

• You have two cows.
  
• Your neighbor has none.
  
• You feel guilty for being successful.
  
• You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
  

REPUBLICAN

• You have two cows.
  
• Your neighbor has none.
  
• So?
  

SOCIALIST

• You have two cows.
  
• The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
  
• You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
  

COMMUNIST

• You have two cows.
  
• The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
  
• You wait in line for hours to get it.
  
• It is expensive and sour.
  

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

• You have two cows.
  
• You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
  

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

• You have two cows.
  
• Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
  

AMERICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
  
• You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
  
• You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
  
• You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
  
• Your stock goes up.
  

FRENCH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You go on strike because you want three cows.
  
• You go to lunch and drink wine.
  
• Life is good.
  

JAPANESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
  
• They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
  
• Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
  

GERMAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
  
• Unfortunately they also demand 23 weeks of vacation per year.
  

ITALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
  
• You break for lunch.
  
• Life is good.
  

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You have some vodka.
  
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
  
• You have some more vodka.
  
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
  
• The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
  

TALIBAN CORPORATION

• You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
  
• You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
  
• You get a $40 million grant from the U. S.  government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
  

IRAQI CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• They go into hiding.
  
• They send radio tapes of their mooing.
  

POLISH CORPORATION

• You have two bulls.
  
• Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
  

BELGIAN CORPORATION

• You have one cow.
  
• The cow is schizophrenic.
  
• Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
  
• The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
  
• The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
  
• The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
  
• The cow dies happy.
  

FLORIDA CORPORATION

• You have a black cow and a brown cow.
  
• Everyone votes for the best looking one.
  
• Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
  
• Some people vote for both.
  
• Some people vote for neither.
  
• Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
  
• Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
  

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

• You have millions of cows.
  
• They make real California cheese.
  
• Only five speak English.
  
• Most are illegal.
  

A Parable

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" 

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed. 

"Wow....what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" 

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Twird Once Every Day

Here is a friendly reminder to remember to Twirl once in front of the mirror every day!

Check your child's homework

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent... it's still funny!)

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.    Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

Mrs.  Smith

Shop Tools and Descriptions

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh-- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL : Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and human flesh, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Denny's...

Denny's is now offering a new breakfast "slam" in special honor of the California octuplet's mother.

You get 8 eggs, no sausage and the person next to you gets the bill.

[more information after the jump] 

A Java Developer Recites The Lord's Prayer

import org.religion.*;

public class LordsPrayer {
    public void pray() {
// Our Father, who art in heaven, 
// 
        God ourFather = Heaven.getGodInstance();

// Hallowed be thy Name. 
// 
        ourFather.getName().setHallowed(true);

// Thy kingdom come. 
// 
        ourFather.getKingdom().setWelcome(true);

// Thy will be done in earth 
// As it is in heaven. 
// 
        boolean isWillDone = Heaven.isWillDone(ourFather);
        Earth.setWillDone(ourFather, isWillDone);

// Give us this day our daily bread. 
// 
        Bread dailyBread = ourFather.getBread(new Date());

// And forgive us our trespassess, 
// As we forgive those who trespass against us. 
// 
        synchronized
        {
            ourFather.forgive(this.getTrespasses());
            this.forgive(this.getTrespassers());
        }

// And lead us not into temptation; 
// But deliver us from evil: 
// 
        ourFather.removeTemptationListener(this);
        ourFather.deliverFrom(Evil, this);

// For thine is the kingdom, and the power, 
// and the glory, for ever. 
// 
        for (; ;) {
            Kingdom.setOwner(ourFather);
            Power.setOwner(ourFather);
            Glory.setOwner(ourFather);
        }

// Amen. 
// 
        finalize();
    }
}