Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN KERRY: As I said the first time I was asked, I voted to let the chicken cross the road. It is the right of all chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C \

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

CINDY SHEEHAN: It was our president who forced the chickens to cross the road, It's dictators like him that force our little chickens into situations they would not put themselves in.

JOHN MCCAIN: I was in a fox hole with the chicken for 5 months without food or water and know his intentions personally. He shared with me that it was his life long dream to cross that road.

JERRY SEINFELD: What do we care why the chicken crossed the road? Let the chicken cross the damn road. I mean, if I wanted to cross the road, no one would ask why I was doing it. They wouldn't yell across the road, "Jerry, Why'd you cross the road?" No, so let's just let the chickens cross the road in peace.

GEORGE H.W. BUSH: Read my lips: No more chickens crossing the road.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chick ens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

GM vs Microsoft.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving  $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
    

Deep Thought for the Day...

Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Gone for 6 days

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the  archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God,  "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and  proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've  made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is  it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of  balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God  explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of  black people. Balance in all things,"  

God continued pointing to  different countries. "This one will be extremely hot,  while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel,  impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that  one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place  on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,  lakes, forests, hills, plains and valleys. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder  and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there  would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see  the idiots I put there."

Puns for Educated Minds.

Warning, these are guaranteed to make you groan. -TMC

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
 

25. Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot all over India bring a message of independence from the British using non-violent means. As a result of this he developed very large callouses. He was also a very thin man and very spiritual. When he did eat, he preferred just a little curd or yogurt. Because of this diet he developed very bad breath. So you can conclude that Mahatma Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

• You have two cows.
  
• Your neighbor has none.
  
• You feel guilty for being successful.
  
• You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
  

REPUBLICAN

• You have two cows.
  
• Your neighbor has none.
  
• So?
  

SOCIALIST

• You have two cows.
  
• The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
  
• You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
  

COMMUNIST

• You have two cows.
  
• The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
  
• You wait in line for hours to get it.
  
• It is expensive and sour.
  

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

• You have two cows.
  
• You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
  

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

• You have two cows.
  
• Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
  

AMERICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
  
• You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
  
• You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
  
• You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
  
• Your stock goes up.
  

FRENCH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You go on strike because you want three cows.
  
• You go to lunch and drink wine.
  
• Life is good.
  

JAPANESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
  
• They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
  
• Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
  

GERMAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
  
• Unfortunately they also demand 23 weeks of vacation per year.
  

ITALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
  
• You break for lunch.
  
• Life is good.
  

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• You have some vodka.
  
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
  
• You have some more vodka.
  
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
  
• The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
  

TALIBAN CORPORATION

• You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
  
• You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
  
• You get a $40 million grant from the U. S.  government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
  

IRAQI CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
  
• They go into hiding.
  
• They send radio tapes of their mooing.
  

POLISH CORPORATION

• You have two bulls.
  
• Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
  

BELGIAN CORPORATION

• You have one cow.
  
• The cow is schizophrenic.
  
• Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
  
• The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
  
• The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
  
• The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
  
• The cow dies happy.
  

FLORIDA CORPORATION

• You have a black cow and a brown cow.
  
• Everyone votes for the best looking one.
  
• Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
  
• Some people vote for both.
  
• Some people vote for neither.
  
• Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
  
• Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.
  

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

• You have millions of cows.
  
• They make real California cheese.
  
• Only five speak English.
  
• Most are illegal.
  

A Parable

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" 

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed. 

"Wow....what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" 

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.