You know you're from Colorado Springs when...

You know you're from Colorado Springs when...

• You switch from "Heat" in the morning to "A/C" in the afternoon
• You complain about the state of the world but stand behind your Republican Vote
• You hike to the top of Pikes Peak to refresh your soul
• You own an SUV to help you get through the snow, but scrape your windows with a credit card
• The penny-pinching side of you identifies with owning a hybrid, but you'll never buy one because your redneck friends consider them "faggy."
• You say you're going on a fitness binge and soon will climb Pikes Peak, but eventually the feeling goes away and you drive up instead
• You think the Gazette is a left-leaning paper
• You only go to Manitou when you have company in town
• You're constantly reminding your Democrat friends that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican
• You think Denver is full of Commies because it has light rail
• You have an entire photo album dedicated to mountain photographs
• Someone says "South Park," and you think of the spacious fields on the way to Buena Vista
• You love the president more than your neighbor
• You think college dormitories are a novelty, not the norm
• You've never been to Aspen, because it's too liberal, too expensive and too far away
• You've heard someone talk about "living in Tweakertown" and understood them
• You know where "Tweakertown" is
• You wear Broncos colors to church
• You have more than two "Support our Troops" magnets on your SUV
• Your concept of world peace includes nuking the shit out of anyone who doesn't agree with you
• You know the correct pronunciation of "Buena Vista" and "Pueblo"
• Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains
• You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching
• You take your out of town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
• You think the major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
• You've participated in a riot after a CU or CSU game
• You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains
• You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow
• You visit friends at sea level and can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz
• Your car insurance costs more than your car
• You have surge protectors on every outlet
• You accept the fact that April showers will bring May blizzards
• 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been
• You know what a 'Chinook' is
• You know what a 'Rocky Mountain oyster' is
• You know what a 'fourteener' is
• A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does
• Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod
• You learned about Alfred Packer in school
• You know who Baby Doe Tabor was
• SPF 90 is not out of the question
• People from other states breathe 5 times as often as you do
• Having a Senator named Nighthorse didn't seem strange to you
• Thunder has set off your car alarm
• You have an $800 stereo in a $300 truck
• A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal to you
• You think a red light means 3 more cars can go
• You are a meat-eating vegetarian
• The comment "Where we're going, we don't need roads!!" applies to the directions to your house
• You know where Doc Holliday's grave is
• You've been to Buffalo Bill's grave on a field trip when in Elementary school
• You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight, including Hawaii
• You've given driving directions that included 'Go over ____ Pass...'
• You've used checking for ticks' as an excuse to get someone naked
• You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka
• You've gone skiing in July
• You've gone sunbathing in January
• You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream
• You recognize that there are more churches in town than east-west turn lanes.
• Your Y2K foodstuffs included trail mix and Celestial Seasonings tea.
• You enjoy the smell of horse manure deposited on the street after the Little Britches Rodeo parade
• You know where Black Forest is, and it's not the one in Germany
• As far as you know, you've never met an actual gay person
• You are shocked, absolutely shocked, when it rains
• You have worked for the government in one capacity or another, even if it was making burgers at the BK on base
• You consider drinking Diet Pepsi "eating healthy."
• You have a natural fear of merging onto Powers or Academy Boulevards
• You think Michael Moore is America's biggest terrorist threat
• You think the Japanese shrine on Nevada Avenue makes Colorado Springs international and cosmopolitan
• You don't think it's weird that it takes 10 minutes to cook a 3-minute egg
• You think Denver is a really, really big city
• Someone says their a liberal or democrat, and you apologize
• You buy a hummer to be patriotic
• It never occurs to you that Airport Road should access the airport
• The word "butte" doesn't make you giggle, even a little
• Your "Broncos Maniac" sticker competes for bumper space with an American flag, a Jesus fish, a "These Colors Don't Run" decal, and at least six "I Stop at Lube Stop" stickers
• You know what "Lube Stop" is
• You think Pueblo people should make the drive to meet you, but resent that Denver folks expect you to drive to them
• You understand why Kelly Johnson turns into Briargate and why Austin Bluffs turns into Garden of the Gods
• You actually know where the "Springs" are.
• You dare your out of town friends to taste the "Springs" water to laugh at them.
• You could use your belt buckle for a sundial
• You drive to Denver on Saturday afternoon because "the malls are better."
• You believe bad people will be condemned for eternity to Boulder
• You go to work when you are sick and take a day off when you feel good enough to hike and/or ski
• The Dragon Arms firearms complex is wholesome family fun
• You complain about General Palmer's statue, but vote against moving it
• You've received an inter-office memo stating that Western wear is appropriate attire for the week of the Rodeo Parade. (And you already have something in your wardrobe that fits the bill.)
• You say, "It's changed a lot since I've been here," no matter how long you've been here
• You associate August with flooding, the Pikes Peak or Bust Rodeo, and the Broadmoor Ice Review
• You think Elvira is cool simply because she hails from your hometown
• You think "liberal" in liberal arts means a political position
• Your church blesses dogs, cats and turtles, but not same-sex unions
• You got the chainsaw bear sculpture for its certain ... je ne sais quoi
• You know the four seasons as: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Mud
• You describe Colorado Springs as a "World-Class City." With a straight face
• You fly your flag on your house, car, truck, flapping in the wind day and night for months. The more tattered and faded.. the more you love your country.
• Your idea of enjoying nature is on Mount Herman and involves an off-road vehicle, a 12-pack, a shotgun, a couch and a bonfire.
  
• You know March and April don't mean spring, they mean snow
• You find yourself saying, "Well, we need the moisture" anytime there is hint of a storm, to perfect strangers in the elevator.
• Your smallest vehicle seats 8 and has 4 wheel drive and a wench

(If you hail from Colorado Springs and wish to contribute to this list, Contact Us )

How Headlines Are Made

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boy's leg.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves  Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.' "But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry" replied the Reporter. "But since we're  in Boston, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter  began, 'John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack.'

"But  I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I  assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry or Ted Kennedy . What team or person do you like?''

"I'm a Yankees fan, and I really like Mitt Romney," the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the  reporter begins again: 'Arrogant Little Snot-Nosed Mormon Republican Kills  Beloved Family Pet.'

English.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies.  At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the  countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.

(It is rumored that this is a true story. -tmc)

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

I need more information before answering the question:

• Does the man look poor or oppressed?
• Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
• Could we run away?
• What does my wife think?
• What about the kids?
• Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  
• What does the law say about this situation?
• Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
• Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
• Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
• Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
• If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
• Should I call 9-1-1?
• Why is this street so deserted?
• We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*

Republican's Answer:

BANG!!!

*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click...

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!??!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!"

Innocence is Priceless

One Sunday  morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring  up at a  large plaque. It was covered with names with  small American  flags mounted  on either side of it.

The seven year old had been  staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside  the little boy, and said  quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still  focused on the plaque.

"Pastor,  what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said,"Well, son,  it's a  memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly,  they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little  Alex's voice, barely audible and  trembling with fear, asked,   "Which service,  the 9:00 or the 10:30?"

Job Interview

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa

 

JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

 

RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

 

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

 

WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

 

BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Letters...

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair  and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.  You came  home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

-- Your EX-wife

P.S.  If you're trying to find me, don't.  Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!  Have a great life!

* = * = * = * = *

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. 

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.  Too bad that doesn't work.  I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. 

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it.  I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. 

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.  So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess.  I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.  So take care.

-- Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S.  I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Southern Commandments

Some folks have trouble understandin' in Tennessean 'lingo,' so they got together and translated the 10 Commandments into 'Jackson County lingo.'

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

First Time Sex

A girl asked her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this was such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy was ecstatic, but he had never had sex before, so he took a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He told the pharmacist it was his first time and the pharmacist helped the boy for about an hour. He told the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asked the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insisted on the family pack because he thought he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy showed up at the girl's parents' house and met his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy went inside and was taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents were seated. The boy quickly offered to say grace and bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispered to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turned, and whispered back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words ' liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."  "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"  "Um. I HATE liver and cheese ," blurts the Golden Retriever.  "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, " Liver alone. Cheese mine."