Middle Wife

This is a pretty funny account of a Show And Tell day in a 2nd grade somewhere:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade  classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.''First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'  (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,'  and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from  Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since  then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Hair Dryer.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

A Political Fable

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing, 'Vote for Barack Obama! - Vote for Barack Obama!'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...'

Dumbest Kid

The barber was talking to a businessman during a cut when a little boy walked past the shop.

"That little boy is the dumbest kid alive" said the barber.

"How could you say something like that?" asked the businessman.

"I'll show you." said the barber.  He called the boy in his shop and held out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other hand. "Which do you want?" he asked the boy.

"Two is more than one, I'll take the quarters!" said the boy.

The barber gave the quarters to the boy and pocketed the dollar bill, "See?"

After the cut, the businessman sees the boy coming out of a candy shop. "Why did you take the quarters? The dollar is worth more money." he said.

The boy looked at his candy and then at the businessman, "I've been doing this for a while... if I take the dollar, the game is over."

Best Blond Joke Ever

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blond says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,and then ..' he said with a deep sigh....

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box. '

Proof That Man Needs A Wife

Proof that man needs a wife.

EVOLUTION

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"  The mother answered "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question.  The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys  from which the human race was developed." 

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Daddy says they were developed from monkeys?"

The mother thought a moment and answered, "Well dear, it is very simple.  I told you about the origin of my side of the family and your father told you about his side!"

How to tell if you have a Persian cat

Why Parents Drink

The director of the IT Department wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day when he hadn't reported to work. Having an urgent problem with one of the main servers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..

"ME."