Don't Recognize Me?

It is important to note the following:

1. Catholics do not recognize Protestants as a valid Christian religious movement.
2. Protestants do not recognize Mormons as a valid Christian religious movement.
3. Mormons do not recognize each other at the store on Sunday.

Funniest Banner Ad Ever!

Nine Months Later....

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob, so they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Plymptoons: 25 ways to quit smoking.

Kids' answer questions on love....

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, age 10)

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (Kristen, age 10)

2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. (Camille, age 10)

3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. (Derrick, age 8)

4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. (Lori, age 8)

5 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Martin, age 10)

6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. (Pam, age 7)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. (Curt, age 7)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. (Howard, age 8)

7.   IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. (Anita, age 9)

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? (Kelvin, age 8)

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. (Ricky, age 10)

Cat vs. Printer

Mr. Fancy Pants

---

Mr. Fancy Pants by Jonathan Coulton:

Chances are your pants are not as fancy as the pair
Of very fancy pants that Mr. Fancy Pants will wear
When everybody’s marching in the fancy pants parade
He’s gonna pass the test
He’s gonna be the best
The best in terms of pants

You look in every catalog you shop at every store
Cause even though you have a hundred pants you want some more
When suddenly you see the greatest pants you’ve ever seen
And even though you know
It’s gonna cost a lot of dough
You have to have the world’s best pants

Say a little prayer for Mr. Fancy Pants
The whole world knows
They’re only clothes
And deep inside
He’s sad

They make the big announcement and the trophy goes to you
You thought you had some fancy pants and now you know it’s true
You look at Mr. Fancy Pants and hold the trophy high
Everybody cheers
While he’s blinking back the tears
He doesn’t even have the best pants

Say a little prayer for Mr. Fancy Pants
It’s all he had
But don’t feel bad
He’d do the same
To you

BBQ: Rules of Engagement

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

The Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.
   
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
   
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
   
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
   
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.
   
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman
   
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
   
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
   
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
    
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...